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A List of (Some of the) Dumb Oh-So-Dumb Moments in xXx: Return of Xander Cage

January 19, 2017 by Gary Collinson

Thomas Harris with a list of (some of the) dumb oh-so-dumb moments in xXx: Return of Xander Cage…

  • Neymar Jr., global football superstar, is asked to join the “Triple X” program by Samuel L. Jackson.
  • Neymar Jr. halts a robbery by kicking a tissue holder at the head of the thief.
  • He thinks he’s joining the Avengers.
  • Wait, do The Avengers exist in this universe?
  • Vin Diesel climbs a telephone pole in Brazil in order to steal a device then skis through the jungle.
  • Strangers high five him and scream his name as if Robin Hood.
  • He’s Robin Hood, he stole a satellite television box so poor Brazilians can watch football.
  • The football match will ultimately result in Brazil losing 7-1 to Germany during the 2014 World Cup, held in Brazil.
  • Wait, this film is set in 2014?
  • They never mention this.
  • Toni Collette looking like director D.J. Caruso has taken her hostage.
  • Diesel sniffs out a fake bomb threat then shoots at civilians whilst looking at his watch in slow motion.
  • Diesel talks about his achievements doing sick tricks on his skateboard to highly trained soldiers.
  • He wants a new team consisting of Ruby Rose who murders poachers, Rory McCann – a stunt man probably – and Kris Wu, literally just a DJ.
  • He’s in London now wearing a coat; he likes this coat, it’s a terrible coat but he really likes this coat.
  • There’s a British girl who might be a pimp because she forces her group of friends to sleep with him.
  • Diesel has a nipple tattoo.
  • Something to do with satellites.
  • Tony Jaa is a hairdresser but also a martial artist.
  • There’s a rave in the Philippines where the bad guys are because it’s 2002.
  • Diesel, literal actual Donnie Yen and Deepika Padukone play a game of catch with some grenades.
  • It’s now daytime.
  • Diesel and Yen have a chase involving motorbikes that are also jet skis.
  • Diesel explains that nipple tattoo.
  • Diesel’s other terrible tattoos.
  • Ah God Toni, what have they done to you?

Then a vast chasm, a gaping canyon of nothingness; a nothingness born out of the necessity for plotting. There’s also a twist, but it’s not really a twist because a twist demands conflict and emotional attachment.

  • Diesel has a fight with a super soldier in a toilet, which definitely isn’t homoerotic.
  • Wait is that Ice Cube?
  • “Rock, paper, scissors, Grenade launcher.”
  • Guys we’ve decided it’s a love story now.
  • There are five counts of the word dope in the final minute.

Yet, credit where credit is due to D.J. Caruso and Vin Diesel. They have crafted a blockbuster of such gob-smacking idiocy that it seems to transcend all known possible factors of stupidity. It’s a much unneeded, undeserved, unwarranted, throwback to the lunacy of early noughties action movies. Radical dude.

Thomas Harris

Filed Under: Articles and Opinions, Movies, Thomas Harris Tagged With: Vin Diesel, xXx: Return of Xander Cage

About Gary Collinson

Gary Collinson is a film, TV and digital content producer and writer, who is the founder of the pop culture website Flickering Myth and producer of the gothic horror feature film 'The Baby in the Basket' and the upcoming suspense thriller 'Death Among the Pines'.

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