In which Gerry Hayes welcomes you to his column about stuff he doesn’t like. Well, I say 'welcome'... [scroll down for the archive]
I love films. I love films that make me make me laugh, films that frighten me, films that make me cry. I love films that do these things intentionally. I also love many films that accomplish these things unintentionally - ‘so bad it’s good’ may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason. I love really good films and I love those few films that have reached a particular point in the badness spectrum that they’ve become enjoyable again.
But then there are the others.
The films that make me wince (and worse, the ones that make me use the word ‘wince’). The films that make my face sore from scowling and grimacing. The ones where my wife elbows me repeatedly and tells me to stop sighing, laughing inappropriately or muttering under my breath. The ones where even my arse was angry at the end.
That’s what this column is about.
Let’s get something straight right off the bat. For ‘bad films’ you should feel perfectly free to read ‘films that I don’t like’. I make no bones about it and feel, rather arrogantly you might think, that if I don’t like it, it is bad. If your favourite film turns up here and you feel affronted in some way, you should write a strongly-worded email and send it to email@example.com and I’ll get right on it. Or you could try watching it again with scale-free eyes and realise, ‘dear god, he’s right - it is dross - what a gift I’ve been given’. Either way’s OK with me.
Hmmm... Am I losing them? Perhaps a quote will get them back on side.
I think it was Tyne Daly who once said: “A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded.”
I Sat Through That?
#1 - Hostel (2006)
#2 - The X Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
#3 - I, Robot (2004)
#4 - Meet The Parents (2000)
#5 - Castaway (2000)
#6 - Planet of the Apes (2001)
#7 - Unbreakable (2000)
#8 - M. Night Shyamalan
#9 - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
#10 - The Break Up (2006)
#11 - Deep Impact (1998)
#12 - 88 Minutes (2007)
#13 - Mission: Impossible II (2000)
#14 - Quantum Of Solace (2008)
#15 - The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
#16 - Hannibal Rising (2007)
#17 - X-Men (I, II and III)
#18 - Hot Fuzz (2007)
#19 - King Kong (2005)
#20 - Six Minutes of Runaway Bride
#21 - The Transporter (2002)
#22 - Alexander (2004)
#23 - Christmas Countdown
Gerry Hayes is a garret-dwelling writer subsisting on tea, beer and Flame-Grilled Steak flavour McCoy’s crisps. You can read about other stuff he doesn't like on his blog at http://stareintospace.com or you can have easy, bite-sized bits of him at http://twitter.com/gerryhayes