Hannah Montana: The Movie, 2009.
Directed by Peter Chelsom.
Starring Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus.
SYNOPSIS:
The world famous singer is forced to return to her hometown in order to rediscover her roots.
I’m sticking my neck on the line here because I am offering Hannah Montana: The Movie to you, the cinephiles of the world, as a prime example of a classic; not of quality but of complete and utter nonsense which makes you want to vomit. It is a movie which sees you yearning to tear each and every copy into small pieces using the sharp edges of a shaving razor, then pouring gasoline onto said pieces and shoving it down the movie’s producers mouths just to show to them what an abomination they have unleashed onto the world. Heck, I would go as far as to blacklist those who greenlighted this for production. The poor souls of the McCarthy witch-hunts never put a foot wrong, but here the producers have.
The premise of the ‘film’ is laughable; a famous singer named Miley Cyrus is tricked into leaving her affluent existence and heading back to a country farm which looks much more appealing than any skyscraper. After all, this is a Disney film and any film made by this once-great company could make a Bernard Madoff investment look enticing to your average Joe. Upon arriving at said farm she walks into her grandmothers’ house and, who should appear, but the country music band Rascall Flatts. As anybody knows, Rascall Flatts has this tendency to arrive unannounced at regular people’s houses (it’s their thing you see). Fast forward to the evening, and Miley sees herself attending a barn dance in aid of rescuing the town. And, gosh darn it, who is playing there but another famous country singer named Taylor Swift. Is this a vehicle for other teeny bop music? Of course not. They just turned up, and weren’t hired for millions of dollars to appear for the most fleeting of moments. Then, because she mentioned she could sing, Miley is ushered to sing some horrendous R & B track. And, this being Disney everyone, down to the frail old grandma on her last legs, has the strength to break some moves. After all, everyone loves R & B music. I do, but only the same way I love my leg being amputated or eating a batch of black widow spiders. I admit I am digressing.
Roll on to after Miley’s ‘singing’ and the bad guy of the piece appears; the stereotypical Englishman who wants to ruin it for everyone else by finding out the truth about Hannah Montana (why anyone would want to do such a thing puzzles me). Accompanied by the guy who wants to tear down the town they are in than you have a shit full of bad guys on your hands. The rest of the film was a blur to me as I was trying to eat my own head to avoid seeing what would happen next, but what I understand is that a happy ending prevails. Bless.
Like the bubonic plague, this film is one you want to avoid but if you want to see a cinematic car crash at work than by all means part with a couple of dollars for a copy of it. But, then again, you could buy yourself some pliers and pull out your eyes so that you could avoid seeing this film. I prefer the pliers.
How the heck does this type of nonsense keep getting made? When I was a boy, I had classics from Disney such as Pinocchio to watch on my trusty VHS player. Now, the VHS player is no more and movies like Pinocchio are sadly not around. In fifty years time, around the same period I myself saw Pinocchio after it was first released, children might look back on this movie and see it as a classic. That thought petrifies me, as if movies like this are regarded with such love than something is going wrong. C’mon Disney, get your act together. If for anybody, at least for the children. You owe it to them after releasing a ‘movie’ like this.
Russell Hill
Originally published August 3, 2009. Updated April 10, 2018.
