A Good Day to Die Hard, 2013.
Directed by John Moore
Starring Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch and Mary Elizabeth Winstead.
An old man looks for his son in Russia, who’s a spy in the centre of a massive political conspiracy.
The best thing about A Good Day to Sigh Hard is that it knows not to cram too much stuff into its action scenes, like plot, and character, and basic spatial awareness. Because it distracts you from what you really wanna see, the BOOMS and the CRASHES. What the film does so wonderfully is reduce all that boring stuff to the most miniscule level, so characters don’t do anything more than drive cars and fire guns, and the plot is simple variations of VEHICLES HITTING EACH OTHER. And even if you miss a BOOM or a CRASH because you were too excited by another BOOM or CRASH – it’s OK! Because they show each BOOM and CRASH several times from different angles, and sometimes even in slow motion.
The best thing about A Good Day to Kite Hard is that if you’re still jumping up and down from an action scene, and you miss a bit of narrative exposition, another character will repeat the narrative exposition in the next line. And if you miss that, they’ll go over it again in the next scene!
The best thing about A Good Day to Light Hard is that if you get confused about how bright a particular room is, the filmmakers whack the lens flare up to ‘J.J. Abrams 11’, just so you know the actors won’t bump into each other. It’s comforting that way.
The best thing about A Good Day to Pi Hard is that it has all the most up-to-date, super-cool technology and science. Like, there’s this bit when they visit Chernobyl, because the evil bad guy is forcing the friendly scientist man to get a file or something, and they all wear big radiation suits, you know, because of the massive nuclear fallout there in the 80s. But, and this will blow your mind, the villains have special gun-like things that zap the radiation out of the entire building! Amazing! Something no bigger than a flamethrower, fire it a few times, and no radiation! Go science! And it means the sexy girl can take her saggy radiation suit off, and the muscular henchman can strip down to his bare chest. In Chernobyl! Who would’ve thought?!
The best thing about A Good Day to Try Hard is this old man who wanders around the film. Like, sometimes he’s in the background. Sometimes he’s at the front. But most of the time, it’s as though he’s stumbled in from the audience and is a little confused, but finds it all pretty funny, that he’s stuck in a movie. And he’s, like, indestructible or something! He must be about 90 years old, but he walks around like a boss after doing two epic car flips, being shot at a lot and falling off the top of a very high building. His son must be adopted because he pants like a bitch. But the old guy is so funny. He’s always saying silly things in really serious situations, like when he tells his son he loves him. It’s hilarious. What was his name – John McKnees? John McClean? Maybe he’s a toothpaste salesman.
The best thing about A Good Day to Floss Hard is that the first 45 minutes are so focused on BOOMS and CRASHES, and really don’t pay that much attention to its story, that you can come up with your own! I pretended that nobody could see or speak to McReem apart from his son, McReem Jr. McBeam Sr had died recently and was helping his son out with his important spy mission. Like Ghost Dad.
The best thing about A Good Day to Guy Hard is that there’s this really funny bit half way through the film, where McBane tells his son he loves him or something, and the whole cinema audience burst into laughter. Seriously, before that, everyone was completely silent because we were all so hypnotised by the BOOMS and CRASHES. Like, deadly silent. But when McWayne tells Jr he loves him, this guy at the front just split a lung with laughter. And then everyone else started laughing, too. And after that, the really cool radiation suits, and the crazy-double-turn plot, and the father/son dynamic, was the funniest thing we’d ever seen. And it was at this point the film seemed to realise that too. Like, it knew how funny it was being.
The best thing about A Good Day to Bye Hard is that the McJane character seems a lot like the guy from those Die Hard films. And even though it’s obviously not him, your affinity and nostalgia for that character gets you through.
The best thing about A Good Way to Die Hard is the song over the end credits. It’s The Rolling Stones’ most recent single, ‘Doom and Gloom’. It’s the exact same as the film: any meaning or depth is removed so you can focus on Mick Jagger’s raspy voice and some loud guitars. Another oldie, David Bowie, released a song shortly after The Stones, and it was slow and all thoughtful and foreboding and had some bits sung in German. Who wants that? The Stones might be old and frail and, some people might say, phoning it in. But you got to love them.
Because they’re The Rolling freakin’ Stones, mother ******.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★ ★