Chastity Bites, 2013.
Directed by John V. Knowles.
Starring Allison Scagliotti, Louise Griffiths, Amy Okuda, Francia Raisa and Eduardo Rioseco.
SYNOPSIS:
Notorious serial killer Elizabeth Bathory believed that bathing in virgin blood would keep her young and beautiful forever. Still alive today she’s found a perfect hunting ground for her “botox” as an abstinence educator in conservative America…but will a brave young blogger and reporter for the high school paper finally put an end to the “Blood Countess’s” reign of terror, and save her best friend from becoming the next victim?
This Means Girls-like comedy slasher/horror isn’t what you’re expecting from the box art. From the cover you’d probably expect this to be a Teen Vampire Horror in micro tartan skirts, which it really isn’t. It’s odd as the poster artwork elsewhere on the web clearly shows that this is a slasher film as we see the victim – with a knife coming up to her throat – and the killer behind her; my only guess is that somebody thought this Teen Vampire cover would sell the film better, which unfortunately doesn’t show much trust in the film from the off.
Chastity Bites is a comedy slasher/horror and there are amusing moments in this film, but they are splintered so far throughout that you become very easily bored when it attempts to be funny and fails. You’re also confused about the characters and what’s going on; I’m aware of the basic plot around Elizabeth Bathory, she’s here for virgin blood but why pick these four girls – in the middle of America – who up until the end appear to be anything but pure as snow? why didn’t Elizabeth just stay in her tiny village which she has ruled – under her cruel British-accented grasp – in the middle of in Europe? Also what was the point of actually killing known virgins around the town, surely she could have kept those for the ceremony!? If you look at any film too closely they unravel, I’m aware of that, but you just have to give Chastity Bites a passing glance and it falls to pieces like a jelly dropped off Canary Wharf.
Warehouse 13 and other The Guild fans will be happy as Allison Scagliotti and Amy Okuda are two of the main characters, so you’ll have that and the fact the director has asked them to tap into their respective roles from both shows for Chastity Bites.
Chastity Bites isn’t an enjoyable film; it has moments where you’ll crack a smile but they are few and far between, which for something that is supposed to be funny is pretty poor. As for horror, if it wasn’t for the fact we see – very occasional – throats being cut, along with the snogging and implied sex, you could easily see this as a PG. I can also see this being on the Syfy channel at 7:30 pm in a year or two as it’s that much of a scary film.
Like the sound of that? Well you can buy it on DVD here in the US, or here in the UK.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ ★/ Movie: ★ ★
Villordsutch likes his sci-fi and looks like a tubby Viking according to his children. Visit his website and follow him on Twitter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqtW2LRPtQY&list=PL18yMRIfoszFJHnpNzqHh6gswQ0Srpi5E
Originally published February 9, 2015. Updated January 18, 2020.
