Creepy Tales Of Pizza and Gore, 2020.
Directed by Lorenzo Fassina.
Starring Sara Antonicelli, Beatrice Cartoni, Jonathan Farlotta, Jacopo Grandi, and Francesco Marra.
SYNOPSIS:
Five tales of terror including cursed online music, satanism and murder, returns from the dead, hideous creatures hiding in the woods and one vengeful videotape.
[Editor’s Note: It’s come to our attention from the team behind Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore that the press copy we received for this movie for its VOD release is an unauthorised release, and that the film was never produced with the intention to be sold, but rather to be released completely free of charge directly on YouTube. We encourage you to read the filmmakers’ statement on Facebook here ].
Lorenzo Fassina’s “Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore” is worse misinformation than calling Olive Garden an Italian restaurant. “Creepy?” My summer stint as a bakeshop dishwasher is responsible for more haunting memories. “Tales?” Merriam-Webster defines the word “tale” as “a usually imaginative narrative of an event,” and nowhere mentions directionless anthology timewasters. “Pizza?” There’s one cheesy delight shown as Fassina preheats his cinematic universe through an introductory delivery sequence. “Gore?” Blood splatters like cans of tomato puree hurled against concrete walls, so congratulations. Your title isn’t a complete lie, just an attention-grabbing fabrication that satiates our craving for pizza-themed horror like a Domino’s pie that replaces every ingredient with oven-fired Play-Doh.
Right back to the kitchen with you, Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore. Nowhere near fit for consumer “consumption.”
Typically, I’d summarize a film’s plot in this space. Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore makes this task impossible because it’s about nothing. Before each standalone short, a demon-lookin’ priest in a reddish papier-mâché headdress mumbles words that don’t matter. Then a title card introduces whatever “nightmare” might follow. “Screaming Ghost” is about a screaming ghost who spreads via MP3 downloads. “Alone In The House” is about a woman who’s alone in her house, then isn’t. “Wood” is about fornicating with hitchhikers in the woods before monster interruptions. “Killer Tape?” A killer videotape.
I’m sure these bite-sized “tales” sounded hilarious when concocted in some weed-smokey haze after Fassina binged a night of 80s horror section favorites. The problem? There’s never an attempt to expand upon VHS-era vortex homages. No “deep dish” execution here. “Thin crust” all the way. Paperthin, of the flimsiest conceptual fortitude.
With credits, Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore runs a devourable sixty-two minutes. “Screaming Ghost” only lasts about seven minutes, which means themes and intentions have to execute at a breakneck pace. Short films have managed this balance of poignancy and pacing for decades, so what’s the issue? Glad you asked! Fassina’s chapters all revolve around one focal gore beat that’s shoved into a story so underbaked it’d still resemble an oily orb of pre-tossed dough. “Screaming Ghost” is about a screaming ghost, and that’s as far as creators stretch creativity—same issue for every single entry.
Practical effects deserve their showcases. I’ll forever champion a film’s dedication to bloody, gutsy, intestine-extracting carnage you might glimpse in your home town’s yearly Halloween maze. Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore coats its actors in marinara sauce and ketchup substituting for blood. Budgetary restraints can’t stop violence from churning sensitive stomachs. “Devil Of The Night” is solely dedicated to a victim’s stab-happy torture on behalf of his cult-worshipping captor. “Alone In The House” swings big with an attempted beheading. “A” for effort, but an “arts and crafts” aesthetic only garners so much “throwback” goodwill.
There’s more integrity in calling Lunchables “pizza” than referring to Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore as a “horror movie.” Nothing about cinematography or sound design or editing conveys even middle-tier competency. Fassina’s kneadless “nostalgia” packs less genre flavor than processes Provel cheese atop St. Louis style pies. From “Wood,” marred by incomprehensible sedan-interior shot composition (forced perspectives up character noses), to “Killer Tape,” which wiggles a VHS cassette like it’s come alive by some dumbfounding “puppetry” miracle. Imagine how pissed you’d be if a Brooklyn slice shop charged you for a product that’s no better than what you could whip together at home with basic but lacking culinary skills. Apply said logic to my new favorite fantasy football loser’s punishment.
Oh, did I mention there’s no dialogue in this flick besides what the Italian “host” mutters between unwatchable, pizza-less excuses for “creepy tales?” Horrendous expansion of ideas, unsightly technical merits, and to top it all off, zero explanation from characters as to what the actual, unquantifiable crap is happening?
No film is “unnecessary.” I hate that word in terms of describing cinematic releases. Creepy Tales Of Pizza And Gore tries something; it just fails on a spectacular level that redefines “bottom-of-the-barrel.” Pointless provocation, ill-conceived outside of a single ‘za that’s cut into sharable occult symbol sections. I’m all for the cheesiest of horror watches, but what should be ooey-and-gooey is burned char-back, incinerating all indulgences. Proof that horror fans require infinitely more than braindead vulgarity in their horror content, and how misrepresentation in titling can further sour an audience’s reception when selling points turn into nothing but cruel tricks. Shame on you, your “film,” and for dragging pizza’s name through hell and back without an iota of justification.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★
Matt spends his after-work hours posting nonsense on the internet instead of sleeping like a normal human. He seems like a pretty cool guy, but don’t feed him after midnight just to be safe (beers are allowed/encouraged). Follow him on Twitter/Instagram/Letterboxd (@DoNatoBomb).
Originally published May 5, 2020. Updated June 23, 2020.
