Beat Girl, 2013.
Directed by Mairtin de Barra.
Starring Louise Dylan, Percelle Ascott, Michael Higgs, Miles Richardson.
SYNOPSIS:
Heather (Louise Dylan) is a training to be a classical piano player and to get into Juilliard. Her mother has recently died and she has to live with her estranged Father (Michael Higgs) and step brother (Percelle Ascott). Her dream begins to fall to pieces when Juilliard doesn’t offer her a scholarship. Her love of music takes her into the world of DJ-ing and dance music, where she becomes stuck between this new world and her audition for Julliard.
Before I go any further I do not want to upset anybody starring, filming, editing, and/or knowing someone who is in the film. I will give those listed a giant fib of a review and tell you it was great. Now go on, off you go with that happy fib.
Now those people here for the review, I will continue. This may be lost on a few of our American readers, but if any UK residents have been on Sick Leave, Unemployed or just a layabout student, you will probably be more than aware of a BBC soap opera called Doctors. It’s an amazingly poor, mediocre, mind numbingly boring show. Now take that brief but accurate description and stretch it over one heck of a long hour and a half. Before you allow the image to coagulate, remove the Equity cards from the actors of Doctors and now allow this mess to set. You’ve got Beat Girl.
You may think, ‘Oh! Harsh Vil!?’, but wait, there is more. I haven’t highlighted the pointlessly empty long shots that are void of emotion or meaning. Or the sound for being truly awful with horrible hissing white noise which is used to occupy any quiet space when someone isn’t trying to act. Or the teeth grinding soundtrack which just appears at random times – not faded in or out, just there smashing you in the face. Looking at the large scenes scattered with a handful of extras given no direction other than to try not to look at their free meal pass makes me feel embarrassed for those involved. The final catwalk scene however ticks the boxes for really embarrassing. I was biting the pillow as Heather stands behind a primary school table throwing her fist in the air as she twiddles a switch on the decks.
Beat Girl will have you gnawing the back of your hand hoping that this is a dark comedy and some sort of subtle joke will happen, but I’m sorry to say it never happens. Not one actor in this film is worth of the title ‘Actor’ if they use this on their CV.
You’ll hate Beat Girl, you really will. I deserve some sort of Pride of Britain award for keeping you from watching this film.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★
Villordsutch is married with kids and pets. He looks like a tubby Viking and enjoys science fiction. Follow him on Twitter.
Originally published May 9, 2013. Updated April 11, 2018.
