Piranhaconda, 2011
Directed by Jim Wynorski.
Starring Michael Madsen, Rachel Hunter, Shandi Finnessey, Terri Ivens, Robert ‘Rib’ Hills and Chris De Christopher.
SYNOPSIS:
Part Snake! Part Fish! All Killer!
No budget maestro Roger Corman and his merry band of exploitation filmmakers are back with another made for TV giant monster movie in the form of Piranhaconda which, as you may have guessed, is about a half-piranha-half-anaconda monster who eats people. Pure genius right?
Shown last year on the Syfy channel, Piranhaconda is a pseudo-sequel to Sharktopus and shares the same problems that film had. It also carries the burden and issues of other movies of its ilk such as Dinoshark, Megashark vs. Giant Octopus and Dinocroc vs. Supergator – they’re all great ideas and fantastic titles made by terrible filmmakers with dodgy scripts.
Let’s not beat around the bush, Piranhaconda is meant to be a bad film. I get that. It’s meant to have its tongue placed firmly within its cheek and it’s meant to have terrible acting, bad dialogue and cheesy effects. You’ve only got to look at the back catalogue of director Jim Wynorski to see that he is a man who revels in making bad movies inexpensively. In fact, he’s the director of one of my all-time favourite ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ guilty pleasure horror movies, Chopping Mall (where shopping will cost you an arm and a leg). But while Chopping Mall was a bad movie (and it is a bad movie), it was at least made well enough to be watchable and enjoyed from behind closed doors. The problem with Piranhaconda (and all the other Roger Corman Syfy movies) is that it’s just a terribly made film.
For starters, if you can’t do half-decent CGI special effects, then don’t bother. If your movie is going to look no better than a low-rent Dreamcast game then look for other alternatives for putting your monster on screen. Every single frame the Piranhaconda is seen on film is laughable and it ruins any chance of tension and/or scares. If you look back to giant monster movies like Jaws or Gojira, those filmmakers found other ways round their budgetary restraints (or technical failings in the case of Jaws) by using on-set practical effects with skilled special effects crew members. Piranhaconda however just uses half-arsed CGI that movies in the early 90s would be embarrassed by.
Secondly, there is a little thing in successful movies called ‘pacing’. Within the first 15 minutes of Piranhaconda there are 4 deaths from 3 separate attacks, all with the titular monster in full glory on screen. All this does is dilute the monster’s impact on its audience as well as desensitise them to the deaths. By the time the movie comes to an end, you’re almost sick of seeing people get killed because you’ve seen it no less than two dozen times and they’ve all looked the same. It amazes me that Mike MacLean couldn’t think of any other ways of killing off his characters other than “Piranhaconda eats them”. This is quite possibly the laziest monster movie in terms of writing and directing I have ever come across.
And lastly, when creating a giant monster movie, it is usually helpful if your monster is threatening or at the very least looks good. While it was a terrible film, the Sharktopus creature was an interestingly designed creature and could have been threatening if handled by better filmmakers. The Piranhaconda on the other hand is just a bland and boring creation. It doesn’t overly resemble an anaconda because it looks like just your average snake and its Piranha face doesn’t look to dissimilar to that of an ordinary snake. The name may be a clever amalgamation, but the monster’s design is just as lazy as the script writing.
Sigh. It’s such a shame that I am once again sitting here writing up a review of a terrible giant monster movie from Roger Corman. I desperately want to like this series of movies as it appeals to my love of deadly creatures causing havoc. However each new addition to the Corman collection depresses me more and more. Piranhaconda is a terrible, terrible movie that should be avoided at all costs.
Flickering Myth Rating: Film ★ / Movie ★
Luke Owen is a freelance copywriter working for Europe’s biggest golf holiday provider as their web content executive. You can follow him on Twitter @CGLuke_o
