Seventh Son, 2015.
Directed by Sergey Bodrov.
Starring Jeff Bridges, Ben Barnes, Julianne Moore, Alicia Vikander, Kit Harington, Olivia Williams, and Antje Traue.
SYNOPSIS:
Young Thomas is apprenticed to the local Spook to learn to fight evil spirits. His first great challenge comes when the powerful Mother Malkin escapes her confinement while the Spook is away.
Seventh Son is so bad I don’t even know where to begin. Picture every cliché of high fantasy narratives centered on witches and monster slayers, and toss in some of the most atrocious special effects of modern-day cinema along with high profile actors phoning in such awful performances that it’s clear the only reason they are in the movie in the first place is to cash a paycheck.
Based on the novel The Spook’s Apprentice, Seventh Son does indeed follow a Spook (fancy term for dude who hunts monsters) seeking a replacement, as he is simply getting too old for this shit. What follows is Jeff Bridges along with what is quite possibly the most annoying accent I have ever heard in a film (think of an extremely thick southern accent that also sounds oddly British) looks to recruit someone to continue his legacy. The catch is that the apprentice must also be a Seventh Son of a Seventh Son, of which there is only one left because everyone that travels with Jeff Bridges dies in the heat of battle.
Watching the movie, it’s no wonder why either. If you had to be around that accent every waking second of every day you probably wouldn’t give a crap about his advice either. Most viewers will actively be seeking a way to drown out the drawl, while our apprentice actually hurls a sword towards his head at one point. Unfortunately he misses and we bear witness to more of Jeff Bridges drunkenly rambling about creatures and insisting that the Seventh Son taken notes in a journal. Because we all know taking notes is what’s going to win an impossible battle against an ancient witch.
Nevertheless, our villainous witch is played by none other than Julianne Moore, who seems to have soaked up the entire budget for special effects in order to make her 54-year old self look insanely attractive. That’s my conspiracy theory anyway, because every single monster, whether it be a dragon or a master swordsman with four arms, looks like it was created as part of a college final exam. Julianne Moore though, well she looks like she’s 26. Speaking of which, all of the fantastical beings can shapeshift into a deadly creature, except one person who just transforms into a leopard that kind of just dies instantly. Talk about being the runt of the litter.
The plot itself is also hilariously bad, with our Seventh Son falling in love with a member of the enemy crew. Naturally, there are multiple backstabs and predictable nonsense all throughout, but what really bugs me is how the characters always know where other characters are. Good witch lady wants to tell Seventh Son she loves him? No problem, she’ll just randomly show up in a river where he’s sleeping. Seventh Son gets angry at Jeff Bridges, parts ways with him, but eventually wants to come back? No problem, obviously he’s at the cemetery!
Ignoring how illogical and boring the story is, the action isn’t all that great either and it’s not just because the special effects blow. Sure, it’s all easy to follow but absolutely nothing here is memorable outside of the first 10 minutes. The final battle a shockingly anti-climatic and is mostly just two dragons colliding with each other, smashing each other into buildings for a few minutes.
Seventh Son is one of the worst fantasy epics ever made; something truly awful and filled with bad performances. The Super Bowl commercial of Jeff Bridges creepily humming in a bedroom was more entertaining than watching this.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★
Robert Kojder – An aficionado of film, wrestling, and gaming. He currently writes for Flickering Myth, We Got This Covered, and Wrestle Enigma. Follow me on Twitter.
