Fountain of Youth, 2025.
Directed by Guy Ritchie.
Starring John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, Eiza González, Domhnall Gleeson, Carmen Ejogo, Arian Moayed, Stanley Tucci, Laz Alonso, Benjamin Chivers, Daniel De Bourg, Steve Tran, Russell Balogh, and Michael Epp.
SYNOPSIS:
Two estranged siblings join forces to seek the legendary Fountain of Youth. Using historical clues, they embark on an epic quest filled with adventure. If successful, the mythical fountain could grant them immortality.
One question lingers in the mind throughout the dreadful Fountain of Youth: Did Guy Ritchie desperately want to direct the Uncharted adaptation (or perhaps an Indiana Jones movie, although the influence feels more so coming from the more recent popular spin on mythological treasure hunting and adventure), wasn’t chosen, and then turned around and decided to make this god-awful knockoff with John Krasinski (who bears a resemblance to that franchise’s protagonist, is given a similar wardrobe, and often quips, but without the impeccable delivery and charm from voiceover performer Nolan North who did so while worn down and acknowledging nearly fatal levels of horrendous luck putting him in peril every minute)? Making matters worse is that the film (scripted by James Vanderbilt) is also cramming in the usual streaming movie clichés of family alongside the green-screened to hell and back environments that typically plague these rough viewing experiences.
The film is centered on Luke Purdue (John Krasinski) who, from the start, has attracted the attention of assassins, Interpol agents, and shadowy figures looking to take back a stolen religious painting, not solely so the art can be placed back into a museum but more due to his intent in using them to uncover a series of codes that could pinpoint him to the Fountain of Youth. Luke inherited the adventure bug from his long-deceased father and is still at it, refusing to grow up or move on into a stable, routine life. He has been hired by dying billionaire Owen Carver (Domhnall Gleeson) to find the fabled fountain of youth, assuming that its restorative powers will heal his cancer.
Not only could Luke use his sister Charlotte’s (Natalie Portman) assistance, but he also asserts that the art curator isn’t suited for domestic life and that she should join him and his team (which includes one-dimensional characters defined by their skills played by Laz Alonso and Carmen Ejogo) to regain that sense of adventure. They practically force her hand into joining the cause, with the filthy rich Oliver assuring her that he can throw money around and get her full custody of her young child, Thomas (Benjamin Chivers).
Globetrotting around the world and looking for clues, Luke ponders if Esme (Eiza González), a “protector” tasked by Stanley Tucci’s The Elder with guarding the fountain of youth from being discovered, is secretly attracted to him during the weightless fights they get into when she tries to stifle his progress. John Krasinski is already a charmless dud in this role, but whatever chemistry the filmmakers are going for between him and Eiza Gonzalez is painfully confused. Then again, this is already a film where we spent most of the running time actively hating our adventurous protagonist and wanting him to let his sister live her life in peace rather than childishly pestering her to work together again, resuming where their father left off.
The family solved all sorts of mysteries back in the day (if Apple loves wasting money, I’m sure that will be a prequel one day), with the patriarch having preached the journey as more important than the destination. That explains why Luke is only searching for the Fountain of Youth on behalf of someone else. However, this cinematic journey is unmitigated torture. Even the various puzzles en route to discovering the fountain are absurdly stupid, more often about finding things for other supporting characters to do. Then there are the fight scenes and various chases, which contain no urgency, momentum, or excitement and are quick-cut edited without any flow.
It’s already aggressively irritating that the material is given an obnoxiously playful spin, but all trademarks of director Guy Ritchie are stunningly non-existent. Love his rapid-fire dialogue and stylish flair, or hate it, the point is that this is an unbelievably generic effort from a name-brand filmmaker. So, not only are there no traces of Guy Ritchie the filmmaker in Fountain of Youth, but its flailing attempts at aping popular franchises such as Uncharted and Indiana Jones also baffle. This is an embarrassing, algorithmic dollar-store take on them that doesn’t understand the damn thing about what makes a fun, epic adventure.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★ ★
Robert Kojder is a member of the Chicago Film Critics Association, Critics Choice Association, and Online Film Critics Society. He is also the Flickering Myth Reviews Editor. Check here for new reviews and follow my BlueSky or Letterboxd
