White Men Can’t Jump, 2023.
Directed by Calmatic.
Starring Jack Harlow, Sinqua Walls, Laura Harrier, Lance Reddick, Teyana Taylor, Tamera Kissen, Andrew Schulz, Vince Staples, Myles Bullock, Zach Andrews, Zak Steiner, Phillip-Charlie Daniell, J. Alphonse Nicholson, Paris Nicole, Samir Royal, Jacob Lawrence Kreiss, Richard Nevels, Tyler Christopher Herro, Dazeran Jones, James Earl, and Taylor Rooks.
SYNOPSIS:
Seemingly opposite street hoopers, Jeremy, an injury-prone former star, and Kamal, a has-been prodigy, team up to take one final shot at living out their dreams.
In this modern-day remake of White Men Can’t Jump, it is relatively accepted that white people can hoop. So, why the title isn’t changed to something else is a mystery, but here’s what’s not left up to debate: between this and January’s House Party remake, Calmatic can’t make good movies.
The film still follows an unlikely pairing of down on their luck, white and Black basketball players working together to take down unsuspecting teams and empty their pockets (or various online money-wiring accounts). One player has struggled with torn ACLs his whole life and the other is a former high-level NBA prospect who tanked his career due to violent outbursts on and off the court, also unable to cope with his greatest cheerleader and supporter, his father (RIP Lance Reddick) coming down with an illness that prevented him from being present at his games, which somehow made the anger meltdowns more prevalent.
I couldn’t even tell you what the illness is, because that’s how little the screenplay from Kenya Barris, Doug Hall, and Ron Shelton (the director of the original, who receives a story credit here) seems to care about the details, opting instead for nauseating third act melodrama. And I’m aware there probably is a throwaway line I’m forgetting or blanked out on processing, but that’s primarily because what is here is bafflingly bad. Then again, perhaps I’m the fool for not seeing the writing on the wall based on everything else this filmmaking team has made recently.
Calmatic appears less concerned with basketball antics and likable characters, more focused on shoving a “why can’t we be friends” race relations narrative down the throat of anyone who dares stream this. That’s also not a joke; that song plays at one point during the movie, although I can’t remember if it comes before or after the white guy convinces the Black man that it’s okay to take up predominantly white activities (according to this screenplay, anyway) such as meditation. So much about this version of White Men Can’t Jump is shockingly regressive that it’s like watching someone take shots from half-court blindfolded and facing the opposite side. And I haven’t even begun talking about the girlfriend characters here, who are handed some of the worst changes from the source material, or the film’s anti-therapy message.
Sinqua Walls is Kamal, a former basketball prodigy destined for the NBA who now plays pickup games back at his old high school gymnasium, while working as a delivery driver hoping to make ends meet with his girlfriend Imani (Teyana Taylor), also earning enough money to help bankroll the hair salon establishment she dreams of starting. Then there is Jeremy, a broken-down player who believes there is still a future for elevating his game through stem cell research. Meanwhile, he concocts and sells fitness drinks for clients to help support his girlfriend (Laura Harrier), but goes against her wishes to play basketball behind her back. Without spoiling it, the situation ends with an incident that turns into a meme, resulting in some outlandishly terrible dialogue.
One half of this equation is competently acted; the other is played by rapper Jack Harlow, who is dreadful every time he is on screen, which at least fits with the movie itself. Trash-talking is a critical component of nonprofessional basketball (and even in the NBA sometimes), which also happens to be one of Jeremy’s skills. He’s not getting angry, but more so getting inside the heads of others with insults. However, every attempt at expressing swagger and hurling inflammatory remarks comes out unconvincing. His dramatic moments are somehow much worse.
There is also no chemistry between Sinqua Walls and Jack Harlow, as the players partner up to earn enough money to enter a tournament where the reward is $500K. What passes for comedy here is also often mean-spirited and offputting. A supporting character is consistently made fun of for dating a “fat white bitch”, another is insulted for currently living on welfare, and the racial dynamics insight is nonexistent. These lazy jokes are also in the same movie that tries to turn its third act into an emotional father-son tearjerker. White Men Can’t Jump has one decent laugh, which involves a popular Ed Sheeran song. That’s how rough things are here.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★ ★
Robert Kojder is a member of the Chicago Film Critics Association and the Critics Choice Association. He is also the Flickering Myth Reviews Editor. Check here for new reviews, follow my Twitter or Letterboxd, or email me at MetalGearSolid719@gmail.com
