Andrew Newton looks at a selection of naughty video games from back in the day…
Back in February, I mentioned that we would have a peek into the seedy underbelly of videogames on the home computers of days long gone. As promised, after a lot of hard research (phnar!), as well as plenty of odd looks from the wife, I present five naughty games of yesteryear.
It must be noted that, despite the title, many of these games go straight past the ‘naughty’ stage and border on the obscene, so look these up on the emulator sites by all means, just don’t say I didn’t warn you. It may also not come as a surprise that we aren’t going to include any (overly) naughty images; there’s plenty of other sites for those kinds of shenanigans.
Maria’s Christmas Box – Anco 1988 – Amiga/ Atari ST/ Commodore 64/ ZX Spectrum
The Spectrum didn’t do poor Maria any favours.
Back in the day, the majority of naughty games were strip poker titles with grainy photo images. Some were so poorly digitised that the result was more comical than anything else; the ZX Spectrum version was guilty of that for poor Maria. Maria’s Christmas Box (from now on referred to as MCB) features the former glamour model slowly stripping off to reveal her DD assets after you win a certain number of poker games. Sadly, 8-bit gamers would have been disappointed by the blocky, unrealistic abomination that would appear on their screens; 16-bit gamers would have fared a little better.
However, Maria will always be fondly remembered not for her glamour modelling or Christmas Box, but for her appearances on the cover of the games Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior and Barbarian II: The Dungeon of Drax, where she stands alongside the ’90s Gladiators star Wolf, played by Michael Van Wijk.
Brad Stallion in Sex Olympics – Free Spirit Software 1991 – Amiga/ Atari ST
Pricilla ….. Queen of the Desert?
This is one of those games that was surreptitiously passed around playgrounds when the teachers weren’t looking, and certainly wasn’t played when parents were around. Sex Olympics is a point-and-click adventure that takes players into space as the valiant Brad Stallion, who is tasked with winning the titular Olympics to prevent the hilariously named (not) Dr. Dildo from furthering his world-conquering ambitions. Players will click around nine different planets, collecting items and using a variety of commands, such as ‘Kiss’, ‘Screw’, and ‘Jack off’, attempt to have sex with more of the nine women than Dr. Dildo.
There were plenty of nude images for the lads to get excited about. Unfortunately, all were poorly digitised and inserted into backgrounds that looked like they were drawn by a child.
I honestly can’t remember what I did on the planet Ramewe, but it wasn’t what you’re all thinking.
There were a few titles in the Brad Stallion series, all were adult-oriented, and none of them were particularly any good. As far as I can remember, and after a bit of research, no magazines in the UK reviewed Sex Olympics. It looks like only 2 German publications reviewed the game at all, and one of those gave it a generous 21%, the other gave it 6%.
Bomb’X – Mediagogo 1993 – Amiga/ Atari ST/ DOS
This top-down puzzler takes the naughtiness to a cartoon level, with players taking control of little comic willies that run around on their little testicles. Players must hobble around the screen collecting a variety of sex-themed items so their willy can have fun with the lady in bed in the middle of the screen.
Creating a maze and blocking the bedridden lady are many blocks that can be destroyed by the phallus firing a white substance (I can’t imagine what that would be). This shooting action can also be used to get rid of the monsters (a variety of viruses and bacteria) that will make the jolly little willy go all limp. Helpful items appear on the screen and include condoms that protect against a hit from viruses, jockey shorts that make him go faster, and more. Once enough items have been collected, the lady in bed pushes off the blankets and waits for players to doff a condom and make their way there.
Don’t ask what virus those teeth and eyes are supposed to be.
There are 50 levels of this to make your way through, as well as a mini-game with digitised pics of ladies. The idea behind the game is a fun one, despite the images used (although there is a Wicked Willie vibe to it, if you remember him), and is perhaps the only game on this list that you would spend more than 5 minutes playing.
Emmanuelle – Tomahawk 1989 – Amiga/ Atari ST
What kind of question is that for someone who is expected to seduce half of Rio?
Inspired by the semi-autobiographical book by the real Emmanuelle, this point-and-click game puts players in the role of Marc, Emmanuelle’s bit on the side. Emmanuelle has dumped Marc and gone to Rio de Janeiro, so in typical stalker fashion, Marc has to follow in the hope of seducing her again.
The player’s only hope of seducing Emmanuelle is by boosting his ‘erotic attractiveness level’; this is achieved by seducing many other ladies and finding three erotic statuettes. Once the players have seduced enough, it’s then time to hunt down the lady in question and try to have a nibble.
The attempts at chat-up lines are worse than you’d hear in an ’80s nightclub.
There’s plenty of pixelated boobies to see throughout the game, but that’s as far as it gets. Sex itself is only assumed to be happening by the use of silhouettes.
It’s not a great game, but it is a better point-and-click adventure than Sex Olympics. The One for 16-bit Games magazine awarded the game an appropriate score of 69% (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
Geisha – Tomahawk 1990- Amiga/Atari ST
The developer’s idea of what a Ryokan (traditional Japanese inn) looks like.
This French addition to the point-and-click adventure genre has the player’s girlfriend, Eve, kidnapped by a mad scientist who wants to turn her into a robotic Geisha girl. Players only have a certain amount of time in which to save her, as repeated orgasms will kill her. Yes, it’s as weak on the plotline as anything that considers itself an adult title. Players must go through five tedious mini-games, including an arcade shooter called ‘Penetration’, a strip version of rock, paper, scissors, and a Mastermind-style game, if they are to locate their girlfriend and save her before she orgasms to death.
Despite the game originally coming in a box with a brown paper bag design and “XXXX ADULTS ONLY XXXX” stamped in red on the front, this is not as explicit as it would like to appear. There’s not a huge amount of naughtiness in it, other than the occasional poorly digitised naked lady, and contrary to popular belief, a Geisha is a lady trained in the Japanese traditional arts of music, dance, and song, and not anything to do with sex.
The Amiga box in all its brown bag glory.
X-rated games were amusing when we were around 14 in the late 80s/early 90s, but unlike shoot-em-ups and platformers, which have a timeless quality, they just don’t stand a chance of being remembered any other way than as purile and sleazy. One of the best ways to conclude this is by quoting Kenneth Williams from the classic film Carry On Camping: “Ooh, Matron! Take them away!”
What are your naughty video game memories? Let us know on our socials @FlickeringMyth…
Andrew Newton
