Abduction, 2011.
Directed by John Singleton.
Starring Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Sigourney Weaver, Jason Isaacs, Maria Bello, Michael Nyqvist, and Alfred Molina.
SYNOPSIS:
A youth discovers that the people who raised him aren’t his real parents, a revalation that leaves him running for his life.
Abduction is the one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. The acting is horrendous, the direction is stilted and devoid of style, the scripts is laughable, and I actually mean you will laugh out loud when you see it because of the horrendously bad dialogue e.g. “I just saw my parents get murdered in front of my own eyes.”
But I had a hell of a lot of fun watching it.
I think it’s really important to first talk about those involved and how they sold out to star alongside the dog from Twilight. John Singleton directs Abduction – yes, the Oscar-nominated director of Boyz n the Hood. He really hasn’t done anything of value since the 90s and let me tell you he brings some hammy and insincere performances from great actors (not in this film but based on their filmography). So instead of his Higher Learning mode we’re seeing him very much in 2 Fast 2 Furious mode. Great actors shamelessly paying for extensions to their houses by starring in this include the wonderful Maria Bello (A History of Violence), intense Jason Isaacs (Good), many-armed Alfred Molina (Raiders of the Lost Ark, Spider-Man 2) and alpha female Sigourney Weaver (Alien, Aliens, Ghostbusters).
How does a film manage to be that bad whilst managing to be enjoyable? Well quite simply it’s the way that every frame of the film is just BAD. It’s a holistic kind of horrible that makes you wonder if it was constructed in the mind of a comedic genius ala Rebecca Black’s Friday.
Abduction is the story of the Twilight dog kid, Taylor ‘Abby McAbs’ Lautner, finding his childhood photos on a ‘missing persons’ website and some stuff happening afterwards. I’ll relay some of the biggest highlights in an effort to speak to the films awesome horribleness.
Act 1…
In the first 5 minutes Lautner rides on the bonnet of a car to introduce his totally awesome character, gets thrown onto the front lawn with WWF grace, scowls lots and insists on looking a little Cro-Magnon, meets ‘the girl’ and wakes up after this awesome night shirtless on the front lawn of the host.
Now Jason Isaacs – what do you do if you find you hung-over teenage son on the lawn of some random person after a big night of underage drinking? Definitely an exceptionally brutal kick-boxing session with awesome JCVD slow-mo round house kicks… Oh yeah this happens. And Maria Bello smiles along as it’s happening like a fucking Stepford wife.
Act 2…
After discovering that the Twilight dog is kind of Jason Bourne’s son and that guy from the Swedish The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is his Dad’s (and therefore his) nemesis, we have one of the greatest repressed faux sex scenes ever committed to cinema. Abby McAbs and his lady Muppet McEyebrows – seriously this girl has got the same eyebrows as me and Animal from The Muppets (view comparison here) – are in the midst of a heavy make out session when McEyebrows stops McAb’s advances and says “I’m hungry.” I’m hungry?! The scene goes like so – Makeout, Makeout, Grind, Makeout, Makeout “I’m Hungry!” It’s amazing.
Act 3…
It’s the ending you were begging for – awesomely anticlimactic and in a baseball stadium. McAb’s Dad emerges and Dr Claws it from a distance; it felt like I was watching Charlie’s Angels. Oh yeah and he’s so awesome that he kills Blomkvist with great ease (something that the entire CIA couldn’t do throughout the film). Sigourney Weaver stars as Nathan’s therapist (yeah he’s also in therapy for scowling and round-housing as far as I understood) and spy protector who returns from ‘faked’ death in the end to offer Nathan a place to live and scowl. And boy is her delivery ridiculously Mean Girls chipper. This 80s Sci-Fi Queen is reduced to a joke in this performance.
In a screening full of cynical film critics, the laughter started early in this one. My lady hit me for laughing in the beginning and very quickly found herself laughing uncontrollably too. The more the movie played, the worse and more implausible the story, the more laughter heard reverberating throughout. By the end as the credits rolled there was a standing ovation in the cinema (started by me).
It has to be seen to be believed. Seen right in front of your own eyes. I had a hell of a lot of fun watching this Cleveland Steamer.
Blake Howard is a writer/site director/podcaster at the castleco-op.com. Follow him on Twitter here: @BLAGatCCO.
Originally published January 20, 2012. Updated April 10, 2018.
