Can we all just admit the Golden Globes are kind of terrible?

Anghus Houvouras on the Golden Globe Awards…

This headline feels redundant, as if it’s a deeply held belief by 88% of the civilized world. The other 12% are made up of the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and people like my wife who enjoy watching the red carpet fashion on display no matter what award is being handed out.

The Golden Globes are the annual excruciating first award season scrum that feels like a contractually mandated experience for all involved. The hosting body is a nebulous collection of characters who populate an organization that is taken less seriously than a lawsuit filed by Gloria Allred. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association is routinely savaged by just about everyone in show business. The Golden Globes are an annual punchline to a joke that apparently never gets old. Even the hosts for this annual strange celebration mock the supposedly prestigious organization and award show that is somehow the second most important movie award after the Academy Awards.

Mind you, this isn’t a Coke or Pepsi situation. More like Coke and the dollar store generic version with a name like ‘Kola’ with a ‘K’. If the Academy Awards are the ‘Gold-Standard’ of the movie award season, The Golden Globes are copper. Like a penny that was surgically removed from the rectum of a meth addict.

The Golden Globes are so universally panned as incredulous garbage that it’s surprising that this annual piece of unintentional satire still manages to get so many people riled up.

The show produces so much unintentional comedy. From their strange movie nomination system to their prediction for star-fuckery. The Golden Globes are terrible in a way that feels unique even in this super cynical hating landscape we currently exist within. The nominations always produce a few good chuckles. It’s always awkward to see a movie like The Martian or Get Out nominated as a comedy. In spite of everyone’s outright indignation, the cast & producers show up with their best fake smiles & smirks plastered on their faces as they feign interest.

But why? Why does everyone still legitimize this farce? This complete joke of an award show that isn’t respected by the presenters, the recipients, the attendees or the movie-going public. And yet, every year the show manages to produce more pointless drama than an entire season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

A few years back the Hollywood Foreign Press Association leaned into the criticism. They decided to embrace their more laid-back nature and bring on hosts that roasted the attendees and the ceremony with snarky tongue-lashings. They marketed themselves as a cooler, hipper version of the traditional stuffy awards show. For some this self-effacing style worked to help deflect some of the constant criticism. But just because you’re in on the joke doesn’t mean people aren’t laughing at your expense.

This column could easily have been titled ‘Why is the Golden Globes still a thing?’ because it feels like a legitimate question. Can we all just admit this worthless, pointless running joke is no longer worth our time or attention?

Anghus Houvouras