Ouijageist, 2020.
Directed by John R. Walker.
Starring Lois Wilkinson, Lesley Scoble, India Raqia-Walker, Roger Shepherd, and Gabriella Calderone.
SYNOPSIS:
Young single mum, India moves into her new flat and adds to the pressures of finding employment and meeting the rent when she and her friend begin dabbling with an Ouija board they found at the property. Evil powers are unleashed and mysterious deaths begin to occur.
Ouijageist. All ouija, no geist. It takes a bulging pair of brass clackers to title your film Ouijageist, adorn your poster with said “Ouijageist,” and then shoot an entire movie that doesn’t include a single glimpse of your motherflippin’ Ouijageist. This critic has felt betrayal on behalf of false namesakes before (The Velocipastor, Gnome Mercy), but Ouijageist is an inexcusable bait-and-switch misdirection. Although, it does include zombies for no discernible reason? Albeit the least of my highlighted narrative woes in the coming paragraphs. Imagine listing a menu item as “pizza” and bringing out steamed broccoli flowerets that aren’t even f*#king haunted.
India Harper (Lois Wilkinson) moves into a new posh home, with only her baby and pooch. Said canine digs up a wooden box labeled “Witchboard,” that’s clearly some ouija contraption. Over wine, India and best friend Becca (Gabriella Calderone) use the board in jest. Soon after, everyone around India starts dying from mysterious, accidental deaths. For some reason, India is not a person of interest during investigations. Maybe so she can spend her time going unbelieved by mother Karen (Lesley Scoble) or neglecting her child who disappears for extended sequences.
“Ouijageist” suggests something unique by way of satanic summonings of the playful kind, but director John R. Walker has no tricks up his tattered sleeves. Writers Darrell Buxton and Steve Hardy plot the thinnest of paranormal invasions even before zombies appear in public spaces beyond India’s “cursed” property boundaries. Their screenplay only belabors cinematic rules to explain away one imperative bit of information: the Ouijageist’s invisible nature. Father Whatshisname drops an expository line, between rattling off horror movie titles, about how demons MAY NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO MANIFEST, SO WE’LL NEVER SEE THEM. Commence eye-rolling and exasperated audible sighs.
If there’s a positive I can pull from this insipid Amityville No-Horror, it’s the make-up and heretic-etched design of each reanimated corpse who attacks India during her “escape.” Satanic symbols are carved into the flesh of cadavers who chase India into and through a lumber mill (?) apparently where she needs to break the board (????). There’s no claiming face-painted ghouls offer a fright, but prosthetics showcase competent composition in comparison to many other lackluster zombifications of indies past. Surprise!
The technical merits beyond Ouijageist‘s non-Ouijageist monsters inspire minimal confidence. Cinematography is in desperate need of steady-cam or tripod frame stability, while audio alters volume based on any actor’s distance from the lens. Background noise pollutes (or even mutes) “required” dialogue, while overused close-ups attempt to conjure drama that’s more unseeable than Walker’s elusive Ouijageist. The titular Ouijageist! Points awarded for one passing scene where a “badass” leather-gloved priest is scared half to death by a sink tentacle puppet, so at least there’s a suggestion of that rascally totally-exists-I-promise Ouijageist’s hallucinogenic control.
Narratively, Ouijageist is an underthought yet still confusing mess. The scariest material you’ll endure is a haunted garden hose wrapping around a gutter cleaner’s ladder for another untimely demise. India’s child disappears for countless scenes, forgotten when not usable within haunted house mechanics. The introduction of undead Ouijageist minions connects to no threadings sewn into any such backstory. India enters stage-left looking for a fresh start, but only finds a handful of ridiculous death sequences where either a two-pound baby gate takes out a grown woman or a four-foot fall means death on impact. Most interactions add up to inconsequential filler, from India’s new job (only significant for twentyish minutes) to her sole shrugged-off interrogation.
An ignorant woman who’s never seen any horror movie or television show unearths a custom ouija board and uses it to summon evil (again, maybe, or maybe said possession was always there, who knows). Hijinks ensue but never chaos nor mayhem nor dreadful frights. That’s all, folks.
This Ouijageist erasure *will not* stand. I’m not even confident John R. Walker adheres to the rules of poltergeists. In horror’s long history of eye-catching titles delivering on zero percent of a film’s “promise,” Ouijageist might be top-ten most egregious. Dull from start to finish, using gimmicks like rattling stacks of cooking pots to attempt some resemblance of a scare. It’s not even that scenes fail to raise a hair, half of them are forgotten before they end since importance is rarely stressed. Honestly, can you blame Mrs. Ouijagiest for bailing on her breakout debut when problems of this magnitude eliminate any chance of enjoyment?
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★
Matt spends his after-work hours posting nonsense on the internet instead of sleeping like a normal human. He seems like a pretty cool guy, but don’t feed him after midnight just to be safe (beers are allowed/encouraged). Follow him on Twitter/Instagram/Letterboxd (@DoNatoBomb).
