This week, Neil Calloway has some ideas that could make Disney’s Star Wars Land the ultimate theme park…
You’re probably aware that Disney, not content with making new films in the Star Wars series, are going to create a “Star Wars Land” at their Theme Parks. Announced at the recent “D23” Disney event (it’s like Comic-Con for people who name their kids after Disney Princesses; see here for a more detailed insight into the event, complete with an excellent “your mum” joke).
There’s been a passable Star Wars attraction at Disney theme parks – “Star Tours” for the best part of thirty years, in various incarnations, but Star Wars Land is something else entirely. Its fourteen acres gives the opportunity for more than just a single motion ride; recreations of locations from the film series can be constructed. Disney have already announced one ride will allow visitors to take control of the Millennium Falcon, but that’s the least I’d expect from Star Wars Land. Disney has the budget, and if they provide the following attractions, they’ll have my money…
A full on recreation of the Mos Eisley Cantina. Who doesn’t want to have a drink in the worst bar in the most wretched hive of scum and villainy? Who doesn’t want to get into a fight with a disfigured alien while the band play? Not your droids of course, they don’t serve their kind there; they’ll have to wait outside. Of course, in one dimly lit corner of the cantina will be a bounty hunter. Sit down with him and he’ll demand you pay his employer, Jabba The Hutt, for dropping a shipment. There’s only one way to get out of this, and I’m afraid you’ll have to shoot first.
If you’re not into shooting Greedo, and want something more romantic, how about visiting the carbon freezing chambers of Cloud City? Here your loved can say “I love you”, you say “I know”, and you suddenly drop down into a cloud of dry ice. If you’re lucky, years later she’ll come to rescue you and she’ll wear a gold bikini.
Star Wars Land should also feature a cinema, but it shouldn’t show any of the original trilogy, it should show the long suppressed Star Wars Holiday Special from 1978. Low quality versions on YouTube just aren’t good enough; it must be upscaled to IMAX and 3D, but no more CGI should be added. It’s the first appearance of Boba Fett; it’s important to series continuity.
Of course, Disney mustn’t ignore the Prequels. The perfect Star Wars Land would feature a reconstruction of the Galactic Senate. Here, you can join in discussions and debates with other Star Wars fans, but you won’t be talking about Trade Federations or any of that nonsense; you’ll be arguing over everything that is wrong with Episodes 1-3 of the franchise. Midi-chlorians, anyone?
After that has got you worked up, there is only one attraction to visit in the ideal Star Wars Land. It’s short, it’s simple, but it’s so good. You can take all your frustrations out on everyone’s favourite Gungan; you line up simply to punch Jar Jar Binks in the face. I’d pay, and so would you…
Neil Calloway is a pub quiz extraordinaire and Top Gun obsessive. Check back here every Sunday for future instalments.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PL18yMRIfoszEaHYNDTy5C-cH9Oa2gN5ng&v=8k_v0cVxqEY
Originally published August 22, 2015. Updated November 29, 2022.
