The Apprentice Series 9 Episode 2

Week 2 of The Apprentice saw the two teams develop, create and sell a new type of beer – a task that seemed designed just so Lord Sugar Daddy could say, “you lot couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery”. 

After Tim’s inexplicable outburst after the boy’s won in episode one, he was made the Project Manager of the girl’s team Evolve, while Scouser Kurt was put in charge of Team “Meh, We’ll Try”. With their teams chosen, it was time to come up with their drinks.

If you saw the first episode, then you’ll remember how the boys did nothing but talk over each other so the Project Manager couldn’t get a word in. Well it seems the girls saw those clips and thought, ‘that’s a great way of getting things done’ as they emulated it to a perfect degree. Tim, trying to maintain control, decided to “overrule himself” as he and some of the girls went to create their drink with the others going of to do the marketing side of things. 

That last sentence makes total sense right? You find out who is good at what and you send them to do those things? Well it seems Scouser Kurt missed that class in business school as he sent a team consisting of a hipster who doesn’t drink beer, a Tory MP who hates beer and a man who can’t drink beer because of his religion to taste and create a new flavour of beer. I’m no mathematician so I’m not going to mock Evolve’s attempts to get their measurements right, but I do have a level of common sense to know that Scouser Kurt sucks at delegating out tasks. 

Not that it mattered anyway as he’d already decided the flavour in their marketing meeting and just told them to make it. I say Kurt decided, but the true “hero” of this task was Neil Clough who came up with the flavour, the name, the branding, the slogan, the sales pitch, the pricing etc. You might recall from yesterday’s recap that Neil likes to ‘backseat manage’ in a clear tactic for boardroom ammunition? Well he himself put it best when he said, “behind every good project manager, there’s a Neil Clough”. Despite from the fact he puts too much emphasis on the “pro” of “project”, he might be my new favourite deluded div.

The girls beer, a mix of rhubarb and caramel, did cause Uzma to have some issues with Luiza who seems to struggle sticking to the role she’s given. Uzma would later come to blows with Rebecca too, only she seemed to come out better from that exchange and I’m still not entirely sure how. While Rebecca was closing a deal – closing, mind – Uzma tried to jump in with another offer. For no reason. One of my big bug bears with this show is how everyone thinks they’re the best salesman or pitch and want to show that at every opportunity. 

Speaking of talking when you’re not supposed to, Tory MP Jason had one of the more baffling moments I’ve ever witnessed on The Apprentice. During a pitch to a brewery with Zee and Dracula, Jason offered to sell them the kegs of beer for £75 – just after they’d agreed to buy them for £80. Not only did he think this ridiculous money losing tactic was a brilliant strategic move, he also felt that Dracula and Zee were “intolerable moronic people” for not seeing his genius. It was an incredible display which made Jason look like he was competing in a game of Go For Broke. Granted, the following scenes didn’t paint the other two in better lights with Dracula calling Jason a “silly s**t” and Zee calling him an amateur.  But to be honest, nothing was going to redeem Dracula after he went to a pitch to sell a product – without the product to show.

Is this really the crème de la crème of British business?

The girls didn’t fare much better in all honesty. In fact they did worse. To kick things off, they went to a beer festival which turned out to be nothing more than a couple of people with a tent in the back garden of a pub and then they decided to go and sell their beer to a wine bar. Y’know, those places that typically appeal to wine drinkers and not larger louts?

Back in the board room, Lord Sugar Daddy pointed out that Scouser Kurt was stupid for splitting up the team the way he did and Dracula tried to save face for going to a pitch with nothing to, y’know, pitch. He even managed to get in a dig against God of Everything Neil for picking a pun-tastic beer name, which I thought was unfair as that was undoubtedly the best thing about their product (A Bitter This? Come on!). The girls and Tim seemed to get off lightly with Lord Sugar Daddy’s verbal abuse, but this quiet patch wouldn’t last long as it was announced that the boys won by a sizeable £500 margin  Back to the Sad Face Cafe for the girls as the boys headed off to Belgium for beers. Which lead to this:

Just look at this man’s style. This is what he wears when he’s “chilling out”.  Aside from looking like the lovechild of Christopher Lee and Boyce from Only Fools and Horses, he looks like the really naff James Bond villain. Dr. No Beer, Thanks.

As the losing girls headed back into the board room, fireworks exploded between Rebecca and Uzma as they fought for make-up superiority. At times it did get a touch uncomfortable with Uzma taking the annoying high ground despite her being mostly in the wrong. As Rebecca was brought back into the final three (correctly so), it seemed that the disagreement had gotten to her as all her make-up had disappeared  Kudos to The Apprentice team for not focusing any camera time on this.

But long story short, Bopping Tim met with the Finger Point of Doom and became the second “casualty of the board room”. He did seem like the easy scape goat to blame, but I don’t think he was truly at fault for the failure of this task.

Evolve lost for one main reason – poor choice of where to sell. While Team “I’ll do it later, okay?” went to two packed out beer festivals with a lot of footfall to sell their product, Evolve went to a glorified pub party and a wine bar where people don’t drink beer. I admit that she can’t be blamed for both instances, but Rebecca was directly responsible for choosing the Kent “beer festival” which cost them the first half of the day. By the time they’d left, the boys already had the task won. People may claim that Francesca’s mixing disaster was a contributing factor, but when you’ve lost by £500 – losing out on a couple of kegs of beer is just a drop in the ocean.

I think Bopping Tim had more to offer to this process than Rebecca does. Aside from clearly being highly emotional when challenged, she looks like she’d be more at home capturing dalmatians  At least we still have Neil I suppose…

Next week – The Apprentice rips off IKEA.

Apprentice Advice of the Week – If you’re going to a pitch to sell a product, it would be wise to take the bloody product with you.

Apprentice Quote of the Week – “You like the name? I came up with that” – Neil Clough using his marketing genius in a pitch to someone who clearly doesn’t care where the name came from. Just another example of why he is a beautiful idiot.