Thomas Harris with a list of (some of the) dumb oh-so-dumb moments in xXx: Return of Xander Cage…
- Neymar Jr., global football superstar, is asked to join the “Triple X” program by Samuel L. Jackson.
- Neymar Jr. halts a robbery by kicking a tissue holder at the head of the thief.
- He thinks he’s joining the Avengers.
- Wait, do The Avengers exist in this universe?
- Vin Diesel climbs a telephone pole in Brazil in order to steal a device then skis through the jungle.
- Strangers high five him and scream his name as if Robin Hood.
- He’s Robin Hood, he stole a satellite television box so poor Brazilians can watch football.
- The football match will ultimately result in Brazil losing 7-1 to Germany during the 2014 World Cup, held in Brazil.
- Wait, this film is set in 2014?
- They never mention this.
- Toni Collette looking like director D.J. Caruso has taken her hostage.
- Diesel sniffs out a fake bomb threat then shoots at civilians whilst looking at his watch in slow motion.
- Diesel talks about his achievements doing sick tricks on his skateboard to highly trained soldiers.
- He wants a new team consisting of Ruby Rose who murders poachers, Rory McCann – a stunt man probably – and Kris Wu, literally just a DJ.
- He’s in London now wearing a coat; he likes this coat, it’s a terrible coat but he really likes this coat.
- There’s a British girl who might be a pimp because she forces her group of friends to sleep with him.
- Diesel has a nipple tattoo.
- Something to do with satellites.
- Tony Jaa is a hairdresser but also a martial artist.
- There’s a rave in the Philippines where the bad guys are because it’s 2002.
- Diesel, literal actual Donnie Yen and Deepika Padukone play a game of catch with some grenades.
- It’s now daytime.
- Diesel and Yen have a chase involving motorbikes that are also jet skis.
- Diesel explains that nipple tattoo.
- Diesel’s other terrible tattoos.
- Ah God Toni, what have they done to you?
Then a vast chasm, a gaping canyon of nothingness; a nothingness born out of the necessity for plotting. There’s also a twist, but it’s not really a twist because a twist demands conflict and emotional attachment.
- Diesel has a fight with a super soldier in a toilet, which definitely isn’t homoerotic.
- Wait is that Ice Cube?
- “Rock, paper, scissors, Grenade launcher.”
- Guys we’ve decided it’s a love story now.
- There are five counts of the word dope in the final minute.
Yet, credit where credit is due to D.J. Caruso and Vin Diesel. They have crafted a blockbuster of such gob-smacking idiocy that it seems to transcend all known possible factors of stupidity. It’s a much unneeded, undeserved, unwarranted, throwback to the lunacy of early noughties action movies. Radical dude.
Thomas Harris
Originally published January 19, 2017. Updated April 16, 2018.
