Tom Beasley reviews the latest episode of The Apprentice, in which the teams were tasked with buying a list of very specific products – in both Calais and Kent. Who would be able to negotiate the best prices?
The negotiating task is always one of the highlights of The Apprentice and it’s unusual to see it deployed so early in the process. With more bodies available to both teams than usual and two countries in which to buy the items, this should have been a walk in the park. Naturally, through some consummate incompetence on the part of both teams, this particular molehill turned out to be a mountain the size of Mont Blanc.
Once again, there was dissent over the project management of Connexus, with Vana declaring her negotiating expertise and French language ability, against Elle’s rather tenuous experience. Needless to say, Vana was chosen, but she diplomatically elected Elle leader of the UK sub-team. Meanwhile, over at Versatile, Joseph was chosen to lead the task and, despite his inability to speak a word of French, he opted for the free holiday to Calais over a day schlepping around Kent. He brought along supposed French speakers Richard and Sam. Brett, who had been something of a bull in the china shop in the kitchen on the first task, was handed leadership duties for the British half of the team.
Joseph’s fears that the girls’ femininity would give them an upper hand appeared to be realised almost immediately when Vana and friends happened upon a man selling crystal champagne flutes in their hotel. They launched a charm offensive – with considerably more offence than charm – and knocked him down to a rock bottom fee. By the time Versatile caught up with the flutes, they were bought for more than twice the price as a result of Sam’s catastrophic French speaking. Vana’s policy of allocating each item to a country and refusing to budge led to a disastrous day, in which they struggled to get several items in the country to which they were pointed. She also sparked a bizarre feud with Selina, which led to a remarkably villainous Selina licking her lips in preparation for a fight on her way into the boardroom.
Back in Blighty, away from the Allo Allo accents and whiff of xenophobia, Connexus fell apart. Elle blithered and blundered like a female Mr Bean, including buying a premium rubber dinghy for £250 after going in and out of a single shop on four occasions. Versatile, meanwhile, on a canny suggestion from Gary had gotten hold of a kids’ dinghy for just a tenner. In an item that could only have been inserted for comedy value, both teams realised that they could get hold of plenty of manure for free from nearby farms.
In the boardroom, Versatile emerged victorious despite open criticism of Joseph’s leadership style, with Brett handed a lot of credit for his work with the UK team. Vana wisely elected not to bring Selina back into the boardroom and instead put the blame on blithering sub-team leader Elle and student Jenny, who hadn’t managed to buy a single item. Elle fought her corner well, whilst Vana took responsibility for almost everything. Sugar looked set to bin the project manager, but at the last moment, he turned his firing finger towards Jenny, who he perceived as a hanger-on who didn’t do much of anything. It was probably the wrong decision, given that Jenny had plenty of potential and the task’s failure was almost completely Vana’s fault.
This series of The Apprentice is creaking and groaning like an ageing relative who only comes out at Christmas. There’s no compelling protagonist, no hissable antagonist and just about no one who looks like they could actually sustain a business career alongside Lord Sugar. If the prize were still a job with the big man, they’d probably end up running his Twitter feed rather than their own start-up. Having blown its load on two signature tasks in the first two weeks, this series could end up feeling like something of a slog.
Maybe it won’t just be the candidates wading through shit…
Tom Beasley – Follow me on Twitter for movies, wrestling and jokes about David Cameron.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PL18yMRIfoszEaHYNDTy5C-cH9Oa2gN5ng&v=C_zu6XuI_g4
Originally published October 22, 2015. Updated April 14, 2018.
