In which Gerry Hayes dons his yellow lycra con-outfit and tries to hide from the geeks…
X-Men, 2000.
X2, 2003.
X-Men: The Last Stand, 2006.
Directed by Bryan Singer (I and II), Brett Ratner (III).
Starring a bunch of weird mutants.
TV’s been having an X-Fest lately and I’ve been exposed to more X-Men than is strictly healthy for my mental health. The films, that is; I can’t speak for the comics. I’m not a fan and I’m unaware of how faithful the film representations of character, plot, world, and such are to the comic originals. Probably not very, but I dunno.
Certainly the comics are popular and perhaps that has to stand for something. Still, you have to consider that the films were popular enough to manage two sequels and one spin-off so far. Popularity isn’t really any indication of quality then.
Strictly speaking these films are relatively mediocre in terms of plot, characterisation and acting. Still, though, probably not enough to land them in my Zone Of Whinge.
So why are they here then?
Well, this is where we come back to the original source. What can turn an ordinary, lacklustre, uninspired blockbuster into a Christmas dinner? It’s the damn mutants. They’re just so… so crap. Most of them have rubbish powers. Really, really rubbish.
At least Wolverine – who is the only one with any depth (although not much) due to a slight hint of a back-story – has big claw things and a skeleton made of frickin’ metal or something. That’s at least a bit interesting. Let’s consider his buddies though.
Cyclops whose eyes are so bright, he’s gotta wear shades? Please. And he’s pretty cocky for a bloke that can’t manage his giant eye-laser.
Storm? She’s the worst mutant ever. Ooooh, she can make it go a bit foggy and can generate masses of lightning all around her which rarely actually hits anything that might be helpful. She might just be of some use farting up a breeze if you needed to get some washing dry but, other than that, she’s a complete waste of space. And why does she get a cape? Just so we can see it flapping in her arse-wind as she floats about shooting useless sparks randomly about the place.
Then there’s Iceman who can freeze ponds to take girls skating so they can fall – under the weight of incredible cliché – into his arms. Pah! That kid with the feathery, angel wings – who showed up just in the nick of time to save someone using his flying abilities – Pish. Oh, and it’s worth mentioning that Kelsey Grammer plays blue, furry, giant radio-psychiatrist, Beast.
So much for the good guys. Maybe the bad guys are more interesting.
Nope. They’re led by Gandalf who wears a, frankly ridiculous, Magneto helmet that doesn’t even have the production values of one you might see on a nine-year old at a convention. His power is that he can move metal things about with his mind. Even when he moves the entire Golden Gate Bridge across the bay, I still thought that was a rubbish power.
Mystique can look like things. She can even make clothes appear on her, otherwise blue and naked, body. Vaguely interesting only.
Toad just jumps about and has a long tongue. Popular at parties, perhaps, but pointless here. Juggernaut? Jesus wept. Maybe that bloke whose astonishing power is to turn into a hedgehog is more interesting. Ha, of course he’s not.
I could go on. And on. You see the problem? Almost all the mutants are dull. How can you have an interesting battle between arch-nemeses, Bloke-Who-Can-Move-Metal-Things and Bloke-Who’s-Bald-And-In-A-Wheelchair? You can’t. It’s all just a mound of pants.
And how come no two mutants ever have the same mutant-power? How come no-one ever shows up and says, “No way! You can move metal things about a bit? Me too. What are the odds, eh?”
Well?
Read more I Sat Through That? right here.
Gerry Hayes is a garret-dwelling writer subsisting on tea, beer and Flame-Grilled Steak flavour McCoy’s crisps. You can read about other stuff he doesn’t like on his blog at http://stareintospace.com or you can have easy, bite-sized bits of him at http://twitter.com/gerryhayes
Originally published November 1, 2009. Updated November 21, 2022.
