Originally published November 23, 2015. Updated April 15, 2018.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, 2015.
Directed by Anthony C. Ferrante.
Starring Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, David Hasselhoff, Cassie Scerbo, Frankie Muniz, Ryan Newman, Bo Derek, Mark Cuban, Jerry Springer, Michael Winslow, Chris Jericho, Mark McGrath, Ne-Yo, Jedward, and Lou Ferrigno.
SYNOPSIS:
A tornado. With Sharks… in space!
Stupid movies are one thing; stupid movies that are self-aware are something else and they don’t come more stupid or self-aware than the Sharknado movies. Inexplicably, the first Sharknado proved to be something of a cult hit, brought about by the fact that so many people latched onto the dumb premise and took it for the low-budget cable TV nonsense that it was, and then the inevitable happened – the sequel. Sharknado 2: The Next One followed closely behind and somebody with responsibility noticed that social media was taking the bait and that people were tuning in so, much like a novelty charity hit single, this one featured cameo appearances from celebrities not afraid to stoop so low as to appear in a film made by The Asylum and get eaten or squashed by terrible CGI sharks flying through New York, all the time winking at the camera and, if you cocked an ear closely to your speakers, muttering under their breath “This is what you wanted”.
Which it wasn’t. Not by a long shot. And now we have Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, and never has a subtitle been more apt. If the DVD cover of a shark floating against the backdrop of space doesn’t clue you in to what lays ahead then the opening shot of Ian Ziering recreating the James Bond gunbarrel sequence with a double-bladed chainsaw instead of a Walther PPK is a bit of a giveaway, but what were you expecting after the city-levelling antics of the previous film? The only thing to do was to go bigger and Sharknado 3 does do that (in a way) but before we get to that part of the film there is about an hour of setup to get through, and Sharknado 3 is basically a film with one idea for a climax but absolutely no idea how to get there.
We begin with reluctant hero Fin Shepard (Ziering) in Washington DC receiving a medal from the President of the USA (Mark Cuban) for his valiant efforts battling against sharknados (which are now a regular thing and not a phenomenon) while his wife April (Tara Reid), her mother May (Bo Derek) and their daughter Claudia (Ryan Newman) wait for him in Florida. Naturally another sharknado forms but this time several storms gather to create a wall of sharknados along the Eastern seaboard, meaning that Fin has to get to Florida double-quick to save his pregnant wife and his family. But how will he stop the massive wall of sharks that are now flying so high they’re eating birds for food attacking the east coast? By getting his former NASA worker father Gilbert (David Hasselhoff – who else?) to launch a shuttle with enough heat to disperse the impending storm. Sharks, shuttles, space – do you see where they’re going with this one?
So rest assured Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! is probably the most ridiculous thing you’re ever likely to see, but why else would you watch it? There are several things in this movie that make no logical sense – like how come April Shepard can give birth inside a shark that is falling to Earth from space without taking her shorts off, and that is after they’ve found her a spacesuit that fits heavily pregnant women whilst the NASA ground crew are counting down to take off with less than 30 seconds to go – but when you start to question the logic you remind yourself that this is a Sharknado movie and such things just don’t matter – they just are. If it’s any help, Sharknado 3 is miles more fun than Sharknado 2 as it hits the ground running and doesn’t let up for one second, and whilst the camera winks are there they are not so troublesome or clumsy as they were last time out; unbelievably, with the even dumber premise of this film the playing it totally straight from the main cast (especially Hasselhoff, who shines in his role) actually helps. And while we’re at it, does Ian Ziering know what film he’s actually in? In a similar way to Corey Feldman in The Lost Boys, Ziering plays it so seriously that he comes across as somebody who is totally unaware of a joke that everyone else is in on. That said, it works when it really shouldn’t but he seems to get more intense as the film goes on.
In all honesty, the Sharknado films are pretty much critic-proof and, this one especially, designed to make you watch it just to go “Whaaat?”, by which time the Syfy Channel have your viewing habits logged or the DVD distributors have your money. Sharks in space? Yeah, we’ve gone there a little bit early in a series that is likely to go on and on but so what? They’ll likely end up being able to breathe on land and have wheels fitted next time so there really will be no getting away from them, much like this car crash of a movie franchise which will keep on going until we really do have enough and just not bother tuning in any more. Get ready, as Sharknado 4 will be coming and you’ll only have yourselves to blame.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★ ★
Chris Ward
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PL18yMRIfoszEaHYNDTy5C-cH9Oa2gN5ng&v=qXJL6jGfZhg
