xXx: Return of Xander Cage, 2017.
Directed by D.J. Caruso.
Starring Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, Ruby Rose, Deepika Padukone, Nina Dobrev, Toni Collette, Tony Jaa, Rory McCann, Michael Bisping, Nicky Jam, Neymar Jr., Kris Wu, Donnie Yen and Ice Cube.
SYNOPSIS:
Xander Cage is left for dead after an incident, though he secretly returns to action for a new, tough assignment with his handler Augustus Gibbons.
There’s a fine line between dumb and total idiocy. The Fast and Furious series steps that line, all be it with little care, but it does step that line. With xXx: Return of Xander Cage, a sequel entirely unwarranted and unjustifiable, Vin Diesel transcends all known boundaries and into a whole new plain of unmitigated, unbridled idiocy. It’s hysterical nonsense drowning in sexual politics Roger Moore-era Bond would find uncomfortable and set pieces born out of the frenzy only thought possible during the halcyon days of late 90s/early noughties Hollywood.
Yet there’s a certain joy in a film as gob-smackingly preposterous as xXx. Diesel clearly understands the audience and the nutritional value of the franchise-it falls between a Big Mac and a beer mat you mistake as being a biscuit-and in doing so keeps things just about on the right side of tongue in cheek.
Supposed dead-but never discussed – Xander Cage (Diesel) is recruited back into the “X” by intelligence chief Jane (an exasperated looking Toni Colette) in order to halt a malicious attempt at downing satellites to obtain doohickey “Pandora’s Box” a thing that does something but that doesn’t matter and no one cares. She gives him a team, he doesn’t want that team, he wants his team, which consists of Rory McCann – a stunt man, Ruby Rose – a poacher murderer, and Kris Wu – literally just a DJ.
Once past the expositional nonsense involving global football superstar Neymar Jr. and a break in at the CIA headquarters, the film settles into a cardiac arrest inducing rhythm. Set-pieces are loud and constant, moving from Diesel skiing through the jungle to Diesel skating down a hill to Diesel playing catch with a grenade at a rave in the Philippines to Diesel chasing Donnie Yen on a motorbike that is also a jet ski to a shoot out to a fight to another shoot out – wait is that Ice Cube?
Action superstars Donnie Yen – his main character trait is that he wears bad shirts, and Tony Jaa – he’s sassy and maybe a hairdresser, although clearly having a whale of a time, find their talents wasted with their fight sequences chopped to shreds in the editing room resulting in a messy blur of indistinguishable bad guys awkwardly throwing fists.
None of it matters. Plotting is ultimately lost in the meat-headed madness of the whole affair. A trip to London in order to obtain vital information exists only so Xander can get his oh so terrible coat back and sleep with a flurry of models. A trip to the Philippines gives Diesel the chance to show off his ripped abs and his really rubbish nip tat. But no one goes to xXx for plotting, you go for the sick tricks and dope set pieces man.
Hollywood long moved on from the nu-metal, extreme sports, radical dude type of blockbuster so common in the 90s/early noughties, and although entirely unwanted and unnecessary, there’s a strange comfort in knowing Diesel will happily pump this sort of film out for years to come. Cowabunga dude.
SEE ALSO: A List of (Some of the) Dumb Oh-So-Dumb Moments in xXx: Return of Xander Cage
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ ★/ Movie: ★ ★ ★
Thomas Harris
Originally published January 19, 2017. Updated April 16, 2018.
