In which Gerry Hayes repeatedly mouths the word “huh?” 88 Minutes, 2007. Directed by Jon Avnet. Starring Al Pacino (really), Alicia Witt, Leelee Sobieski, Amy Brennerman, Neal McDonough. Written by Gary Scott Thompson. 88 Minutes is one of those films you watch open-mouthed wondering how such a thing could ever be – how someone could […]

In which Gerry Hayes beats up Elijah Wood to steal his salvation-ticket for the comet-shelter. Wood’s only short and if Hayes can avoid his massive feet, he should be ok… Deep Impact, 1998. Directed by Mimi Leder. Starring Téa Leoni, Robert Duvall, Elijah Wood, Morgan Freeman, Leelee SobieskiWritten by Bruce Joe Rubin and Michael Tolkin. […]

In which Gerry Hayes stares down the flaming maw of the fanboys and bellows “You shall not pass!” The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, 2001-2003.Time to incur the wrath of the Tolkienites. I’ll have hordes of them sending death-threats in beautifully penned but barely decipherable variants of Elvish. They’ll swarm, costumed as Middle-Earth heroes and […]

In which Gerry Hayes wishes he was drunk… Hannibal Rising, 2007. Directed by Peter Webber. Starring Gaspard Ulliel, Li Gong, Rhys Ifans. Screenplay by Thomas Harris based on a novel by Thomas Harris. I almost don’t want to include Hannibal Rising in this column because it is one of those films that has waded so […]

In which Gerry Hayes tries to insert a USB cable into the base of his skull to avoid having to type this stuff… The Matrix Revolutions, 2003. Directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski. Starring Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, Hugo Weaving. Written by Andy and Larry Wachowski. Matrix III. Now don’t get me wrong […]

In which Gerry Hayes keeps looking around to see if John Cleese is going to pop up in a white coat, offering a titanium codpiece with a built in iPod and lemon-zester. Quantum Of Solace, 2008. Directed by Marc Forster. Starring Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Olga Kurylenko, Mathieu Amalric, Giancarlo Giannini. Written by Paul Haggis, […]

In which Gerry Hayes dons his yellow lycra con-outfit and tries to hide from the geeks… X-Men, 2000. X2, 2003. X-Men: The Last Stand, 2006. Directed by Bryan Singer (I and II), Brett Ratner (III). Starring a bunch of weird mutants. TV’s been having an X-Fest lately and I’ve been exposed to more X-Men than […]

In which Gerry Hayes explains why Hostel is pointless twaddle… Hostel, 2006.Written and directed by Eli Roth.Starring a bunch of people you’ve probably never heard of.Presented by Quentin Tarantino? Hostel wins the award for Most Flagrant Use Of A Tenuous Relationship To A Famous Name To Foist Tripe On The Public. Tarantino was executive producer. […]

Following on from the announcement that Star Wars: Episode VII is going by the title of the The Force Awakens, Disney has dropped another huge piece of news today, with Bob Iger revealing that John Lasseter is returning to direct a fourth instalment in Pixar’s Toy Story series.No further details were revealed, but is probably […]