Transformers: The Last Knight, 2017.
Directed by Michael Bay.
Starring Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel, Laura Haddock, Isabela Moner, Peter Cullen, Ken Watanabe, John Goodman, Tony Hale, and John Turturro.
Humans and Transformers are at war, Optimus Prime is gone. The key to saving our future lies buried in the secrets of the past, in the hidden history of Transformers on Earth.
Another Transformers film? Haven’t we already been through enough of these? But it’s our own fault. We keep going, taking kids, buying tickets and toys so we’re getting what we deserve. So I went and I’m here for the intervention/review.
Optimus Prime has gone to Cybertron, Autobots and Decepticons are now refugees on Earth with some of our pals (I only recognised Bumblebee) being aided and abetted by Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) who discovers an ancient talisman. This triggers a plot to destroy Earth which only Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins) and Professor Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock) can save us from with Merlin’s old staff. Or the staff is the weapon that will destroy us? I honestly still am not sure. Also the Earth is run by a military/mercenary group but it’s not important later so don’t worry too much.
The story is a garbled mess, no more than expected but Michael Bay shows real contempt for storytelling in this. It’s a Frankenstein’s monster of a film made up of superfluous characters, poor mythology, tired dialogue and all stitched together poorly with slo-mo action sequences and CGI good/bad guys (it’s hard to know who’s on what side).
Part of me thinks Michael Bay sat down and wrote a list of things he thought he could get away with that is to his studio cachet. Pay Anthony Hopkins a ton of money to talk nonsense and call a guy fat? Check that off. Mild racism and xenophobic undertones? Check that too. Take a dump on the King Arthur legend with Transformers? Why the hell not! I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just straight screwing with us now. He can clearly do what he wants and make a billion dollars.
Normally I’d tie this all up in a neat little conclusion and at least try and find something positive to reflect upon but I have thought hard about it and I can find no redeeming quality. It’s not even a fun film! It is a two and a half hour slog through a mangled, mediocre, mess of a movie. When your kids ask them to take them just tell them no and if they ask why tell them you know best. If you don’t after four of these films I guarantee this as the final nail in the coffin.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★